Bad Kids

**Burholme06** · 01-03-2011, 11:50 AM

I’m new to the parenting game but what is it with kids between the age of about 1 to 3 going around with the express desire to simply hit another child or push them down. My little one is just starting to walk and having been to a few events with lots of kids over the holidays, this seems to be very common behavior.

We had two incidents where the parent knew that their child was approaching ours to either hit or push since they tried to prevent the interaction before it happened like someone pulling on the leash of a bad dog. The parental reaction both times involved the parent pulling the bad kid away and then coddling them and making light of it somehow.

**Jennrageous** · 01-03-2011, 12:02 PM

Seriously? Bad kids? Many, many kids go through phases of hitting, biting, pushing, etc., especially when they are pre-verbal. Kids don't have any way to express themselves verbally so often they act out physically or if they were pushed or bitten or hit or whatever they may test it out on another kid to see how it feels to do it. That doesn't make them bad kids or forcast what they will be like as they mature and learn other ways of dealing with their feelings. I can't speak for the parents behavior since I wasn't there but I will say that my daughter went through a short phase of pushing and we managed to get it worked out in a few weeks. She is a very sensitive, soft spoken, and intelligent child (who is now almost 6).

I would just caution you against passing judgement about a child who exhibits this type of behavior before you know the circumstances and you never know, one day in the next few years you may just hear from a teacher or babysitter that your little darling did something like this. It's absolutely 100% normal and age appropriate in some cases.

**ShoshTrvls** · 01-03-2011, 12:04 PM

Originally Posted by Burholme06

I’m new to the parenting game but what is it with kids between the age of about 1 to 3 going around with the express desire to simply hit another child or push them down. My little one is just starting to walk and having been to a few events with lots of kids over the holidays, this seems to be very common behavior.

We had two incidents where the parent knew that their child was approaching ours to either hit or push since they tried to prevent the interaction before it happened like someone pulling on the leash of a bad dog. The parental reaction both times involved the parent pulling the bad kid away and then coddling them and making light of it somehow.

Yep, you're new to the parenting game. You may not believe this, but in all probability, one day when you least expect it, your child will be the pusher/hitter.

Children in that age range have limited communications skills. They have some vocabulary, but not nearly enough to say what they want. The result is frustration that exhibits itself by pushing and hitting and biting. These are not "bad kids," but rather completely normal kids.

Aggression, hitting, and biting | BabyCenter
Why Toddlers Bite and Hit - Help for Parents - Associated Content from Yahoo! - associatedcontent.com
Aggressive Toddler Behavior: What To Do -- Behavior & Discipline -- WhatToExpect.com
10 Ways to Prevent Aggression in Toddlers - Parents - Families.com

**OldMaestro** · 01-03-2011, 12:07 PM

At what point does a 2-3 year old realize it's wrong to hit someone after being corrected a number of times? I wouldn't think it's the child's fault if the parents are making light of the situation and coddling them.

**Burholme06** · 01-03-2011, 12:35 PM

Thanks for the comments!

I guess it’s not the fact that I’m surprised that a kid would push or hit another but that the parents knew that their kids were going to do it before I perceived anything was coming.

Their kid starts approaching my kid from about 5 feet away - parent: “don’t hit her………don’t hit her.......don't hit her” - kid smacks my kid in the head while the parent tries to pull them away – proceeds to tickle “bad” kid and baby talk, “you’re a little trouble maker”.

I guess I should have titled the thread, “Kids being Bad”. I have no experience so I’ll trust you guys but having a kid aimlessly wandering around looking to hit and push everyone and anyone they can come across, doesn’t seem like kids being kids to me.

**Hollywood 2000** · 01-03-2011, 03:48 PM

Sounds like bad parenting here. The parent should have immediately whacked their kid so the kid will learn what is and is not acceptable. If they coddle the kid now then they will most likely do the same their entire lives.

**ShoshTrvls** · 01-03-2011, 04:11 PM

Originally Posted by Hollywood 2000

Sounds like bad parenting here. The parent should have immediately whacked their kid so the kid will learn what is and is not acceptable. If they coddle the kid now then they will most likely do the same their entire lives.

Because nothing says "Hitting is wrong" better than watching your parent hit.

**toxigal** · 01-03-2011, 04:23 PM

Originally Posted by Hollywood 2000

Sounds like bad parenting here. The parent should have immediately whacked their kid so the kid will learn what is and is not acceptable. If they coddle the kid now then they will most likely do the same their entire lives.

please be sarcasm. please be sarcasm.

**Jennrageous** · 01-03-2011, 04:38 PM

Originally Posted by toxigal

please be sarcasm. please be sarcasm.

Exactly.

As for knowing it's going to happen, yes, I knew when my daughter looked like she was about to push another kid. But I couldn't keep her away from kids, she had to learn "on the job" and I would watch for it and intervene if/when it happened. The parent obviously doesn't know how to handle the situation, that's not how I would have handled it, but still, not the kid's fault.

It comes down to this: Kids are born like feral animals. They aren't born knowing how to exist in society, we, as the parents, have to teach them how to behave and what's expected of them. Otherwise they continue to act like animals using basic animal instincts such as physical acts to convey their emotions.

**Burholme06** · 01-03-2011, 04:57 PM

Originally Posted by Jennrageous

But I couldn't keep her away from kids, she had to learn "on the job" and I would watch for it and intervene if/when it happened.

Just to clarify my issue, it wasn't a scenario where the kids were playing together and then due to some baby dispute someone was pushed or hit. Pushing/hitting was the other child's only contribution to the interaction. My baby is minding her own business and the toddler is coming over from the play area with the intent to hit her. That's not socializing and I'm not sure if anyone is learning a lesson by it. Once again, I'm a new dad and obviously don't like people smacking my baby in the head so I'm sure I'm overreacting but........

**Seanibus** · 01-03-2011, 05:05 PM

Originally Posted by Burholme06

Just to clarify my issue, it wasn't a scenario where the kids were playing together and then due to some baby dispute someone was pushed or hit. Pushing/hitting was the other child's only contribution to the interaction. My baby is minding her own business and the toddler is coming over from the play area with the intent to hit her. That's not socializing and I'm not sure if anyone is learning a lesson by it. Once again, I'm a new dad and obviously don't like people smacking my baby in the head so I'm sure I'm overreacting but........

I would (and have) definitely scold my young'uns if I saw them beating up on other kids. But at the same time, I do have to say that even good kids go through phases of acting out physically. And sometimes they don't know their own strength, so what might seem to them like perfectly normal horseplay with a solidly built big brother suddenly turns into a pretty good whack when delivered on a smaller or unsuspecting child - my tank of a youngest son went through that. It is something that has to be taught and it takes patience if you have a physical kid. Sometimes it helps to march them over to deliver a personal apology - that sends a strong message that they have done something unacceptable.

**GMonkey** · 01-03-2011, 05:25 PM

To my horror, my daughter was a biter as a toddler. I put her own hand in her mouth and she soon learned that it hurt and stopped. When she misbehaved or was rough with other kids, she had to stand in the corner. I think too many parents are doing this counting thing. I think that kids learn that they have _____ seconds to continue misbehaving and then finally finish right before the deadline. It drives me nuts when kids are blatantly misbehaving and a parent just starts counting to them. No--just remove them from the situation and discipline accordingly. Especially if the kid is being rough with another kid, or is acting like a maniac in public.

**Jennrageous** · 01-03-2011, 06:48 PM

Originally Posted by GMonkey

To my horror, my daughter was a biter as a toddler. I put her own hand in her mouth and she soon learned that it hurt and stopped. When she misbehaved or was rough with other kids, she had to stand in the corner. I think too many parents are doing this counting thing. I think that kids learn that they have _____ seconds to continue misbehaving and then finally finish right before the deadline. It drives me nuts when kids are blatantly misbehaving and a parent just starts counting to them. No--just remove them from the situation and discipline accordingly. Especially if the kid is being rough with another kid, or is acting like a maniac in public.

Eh, I guess it depends on the child. My daughter HATED being counted and she shaped up by 2, in 1-2-3, and soon enough as soon as she heard 1 she'd stop. Because of this method and her particular personality she hasn't had a single time out since she was 3 and she is 6 now. When I start counting she knows I mean business. The trick is follow-through. If you're not consistent with discipline no method or system will work. "1-2-3 Magic" worked like a charm for us and I stand by it.

As for the OP saying the child walked over just to hit, yeah, it sucks but it's part of the whole thing. Like I said, kids are like feral animals.

**Queen Villager** · 01-03-2011, 06:48 PM

Originally Posted by Hollywood 2000

Sounds like bad parenting here. The parent should have immediately whacked their kid so the kid will learn what is and is not acceptable. If they coddle the kid now then they will most likely do the same their entire lives.

No no no. You do not whack a kid to teach him that whacking a kid is wrong. Period. There are very effective ways to raise, teach and discipline a child that do not involve hitting or humiliation.

**OldMama** · 01-03-2011, 07:40 PM

It definitely has a lot to do with limited communication skills. Kids without words want to interact; they want a reaction from another child or adult. Sometimes hitting, pushing, or, their evil cousin, biting, is the only way they can communicate. The adult, who presumably CAN talk, has no such need to whack back.

**ShoshTrvls** · 01-03-2011, 09:17 PM

Originally Posted by Jennrageous

Eh, I guess it depends on the child. My daughter HATED being counted and she shaped up by 2, in 1-2-3, and soon enough as soon as she heard 1 she'd stop. Because of this method and her particular personality she hasn't had a single time out since she was 3 and she is 6 now. When I start counting she knows I mean business. The trick is follow-through. If you're not consistent with discipline no method or system will work. "1-2-3 Magic" worked like a charm for us and I stand by it.

Same here. I had serious doubts about "counting" but a friend of mine who is a psychologist convinced me to buy the book and give it a try. I was stunned that it really worked. Even now, she's 12, and when she hears me start to count, she pays attention.

**Eastcoast** · 01-03-2011, 09:50 PM

As stated above: The non verbal stage leads to frustration and after a little while you can tell when yours are going to be doing the pushing/hitting. We are going through this right now with our 18 month old.

Counting: Has worked well for us and we always, always, follow through.

Keep in mind this is easy stuff to navigate, wait until your 6 year old is hit, shoved or generally roughed-up in you presence by and over sugared child. Don't expect the other child's parent to handle things in any form that would be acceptable. I have had some great discussions with parents with a smile on my face and murder in my timbre.

**nola** · 01-04-2011, 01:23 AM

My daughter was a 2 year-old pusher at day care. Her teachers observed that it occurred when she wanted to play with another child or children. It wasn't malicious, but as others noted, with limited vocabulary at the time, it was her way of literally pushing her way into social settings as she shifted from parallel to associative play. It took some time, but suggesting specific language to initiate play, reinforcement to "do unto others..." and the occasional time out for extreme cases, eventually helped. Maybe not the underlying cause in every case, but something to consider before labeling kids or their behavior "bad."

Ultimately, those parents' reactions might not serve their children well, but it can also be an opportunity for your daughter to learn to stand up for herself or resolve conflicts peacefully.

**toxigal** · 01-04-2011, 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by Jennrageous

Eh, I guess it depends on the child. My daughter HATED being counted and she shaped up by 2, in 1-2-3, and soon enough as soon as she heard 1 she'd stop. Because of this method and her particular personality she hasn't had a single time out since she was 3 and she is 6 now. When I start counting she knows I mean business. The trick is follow-through. If you're not consistent with discipline no method or system will work. "1-2-3 Magic" worked like a charm for us and I stand by it.

As for the OP saying the child walked over just to hit, yeah, it sucks but it's part of the whole thing. Like I said, kids are like feral animals.

Counting STILL works on my ten year old nephew- who was a very challenging child. My sister tried 1-2-3 magic out of desperation and was amazed it worked when nothing else seemed to with him. A few months ago my sister turned to me and said "I have absolutely no clue what I will do the day he let's me get to 3".

**ShoshTrvls** · 01-04-2011, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by toxigal

Counting STILL works on my ten year old nephew- who was a very challenging child. My sister tried 1-2-3 magic out of desperation and was amazed it worked when nothing else seemed to with him. A few months ago my sister turned to me and said "I have absolutely no clue what I will do the day he let's me get to 3".

Well, you can tell her that 12 year old Ellery has never let me get to 3, so she's still got at least a couple of years to go.